Weighing in with Julie-Week 5

Day 22

Pink, oh pink, where did you go? You have been hiding. I kind of thought you would be back by now, but you have been a no show for last few days. I’m trying to be patient but need you to show up soon.

So today I went for a staff meeting only to face homemade cinnamon rolls and fresh warm cookies! Although I knew I would not have any (sorry, I am a baker and can tell when something is not good enough to break for), but I felt deprived and like I didn’t get something special. I hate that feeling. Then I start thinking of how I can treat myself, so I often have a piece of gum or a coke zero. But it got me to thinking, should I be thinking this way? Should I deny, sublimate or indulge? I mean, had the goodies not shown up would I have thought to have a coke zero or gum? Is it better to give myself something that I can have rather than resent what I am being denied? Right now, I try to work on getting by…making it work in the moment. I was so concerned with this question I simply had my snack of almonds early because all the food did make my stomach growl, but I thought I would share those questions with others. It also made me think of a study I was in for using hypnosis for weight loss. There was a control group and then the experimental group which listened to a cd every night about weight loss, and it  corresponded with a special watch we wore that would vibrate through the day to “remind” us of the messages we heard on the cd. The funniest line was upon seeing something gooey, the voice would say “that food will make me faaaaaat” just like that. It was a nasally, whiny voice and it still makes me laugh when I see food-and that is the line that is stuck in my head. But it does work to remind me.

 

Day 25

It has been a strange week. Pink continues to allude me but I am dropping. I am in the 150’s, barely mind you, but I am there. So I have been plagued a little by minor thoughts of swerving…wanting to take just one bite, really one bite, how bad could it be? I have held strong but I have had more than my fair share of these thoughts this week. I am trying to remember, as Grace told me, there is a good chance it is my body fighting to maintain my old weight, and as I get further away from my comfort weight zone, my body sends me more messages to get back to that old weight. It also doesn’t help when certain hormones kick in at a certain time of the month. Still, I begin a battle of the wills…I know I shouldn’t take a bite because it will keep me even longer from my beloved pink, BUT I am losing, so will it really hurt? BUT if I start will I be able to stop before real harm does occur, or will I keep pushing it day after day? BUT why shouldn’t I be able to have these little items, I mean, if my body is this sensitive, why bother? BUT am I really ready to admit my whole psyche can be overcome by the mere sight of a bite sized Twix bar? BUT nobody else has to have this level of commitment, and they seem to have much more reasonable weights- BUT I really want to be healthy so I finally walk away…but I am exhausted, mentally.

 

Day 27

Well, this week has not been as I hoped. It seems that any flux in my diet just ties everything up, which is frustrating. I mean, I am exercising and keeping proportions appropriate and not swerving (eating food off my plan) but the variety of eating out or eating without weighing just makes it harder to see progress. It causes all those feelings of “if I can’t do it when I am eating so well and trying, what is it going to look like when I want to maintain?” I just don’t see it and do worry. The one new development on the horizon is that my doctor may have discovered (and my blood work actually backs it up this time) some abnormalities with my thyroid, and that could be just another contributing member of my struggles. I will let you know. Even if it is true, I sincerely doubt it will be the fix, but it may ease some of the rigidity of my diet. I hope so. Going to a show tonight and eating out…will continue the fight and let you know.


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